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Calgary, Alberta, Canada
I am a lot of things - I am limited edition, not weird :) . A Christ Lover and a fashion lover. I love crime and comedy shows (or movies) .. and I always move on no matter what :)

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Numb

What exactly is that numb feeling that creeps on us? Is it emptiness or some kind of depression or is it a type of mental illness? Dictionary.com defines numbness as “deprivation of physical sensation or the inability to move”.  Oxford dictionary online explains that the state of numbness is the inability to think, feel or respond normally.

There are also articles that relate the feeling of numbness to a type of mental illness.  They explain that emotional numbness can cause a person to feel no hope for the future (livestrong.com). It also explains that it could make one feel disconnected from a situation. So, maybe this feeling could make us feel hopeless or allow us watch life pass by.

So, what is purpose? And how does the continuous feeling of no purpose make us feel? What are the long term effects? Can it cause us to feel numb?  A lot of people talk about finding something to fill the void in our hearts  like love or faith; but what if the void isn’t from family or friends or a lover  or God.  What if the void feeling is from lack of understanding one’s purpose, and the inability to go at it with full-force? What if purpose isn’t showing up?



What happens when days pass, and they become months and you find yourself living a life of routine and feeling nothing (like a robot or bubble head). With every waking day, the pain in your muscles intensify and as the clock tick, you wonder what you are doing here; in this big-big world.

This situation may be a little difficult to explain because you do not feel sad or bitter or negative. You don’t feel like you receive no love or have none. You are able to receive love, give it and enjoy the love you share with people.  BUT there is still that sick feeling in your stomach because by the seconds, you feel like a waste of space. What exactly am I doing here?

Again, what is the purpose? Does it get miraculously revealed to us? Or do we go on this journey of trying everything until we find it? How do people find that thing (or those things) that make(s) them feel a little more fulfilled? How do people come to terms with what they are created for?  Does one have to go on a long break from the regular everyday life to press a reset button or to step back in order to figure it out? Should we look internally for balance?  Should we accept or assume that there is no such thing as fulfillment and maybe perhaps, we will get used to that? Maybe purpose actually never shows up? How exactly do you know? How can we chase the emptiness away?


This search for purpose seems to be taking too long.  There have been nights and days of prayers, accepting the situation, headaches and swollen eyes because I don’t understand how I can just be here and feel nothing. I do not know how to be just “there”. I honestly hope to be more than that. Also, I have always known what is next, I have always had a plan after a plan but for the first time in my life I am not sure of what direction to take or what I would love so passionately. It is a confusing and strange place. But I am not one to give up and will keep searching.  I see an end to this episode and believe that soon, I will be in a better and clearer space in my head and I will know.

However, I am tired of feeling so numb and tired of being so tired about it!!! Maybe I should listen more to my heart instead of my head.  Maybe it will be the best and “stupidest” decision I will ever make.

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