About Me

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada
I am a lot of things - I am limited edition, not weird :) . A Christ Lover and a fashion lover. I love crime and comedy shows (or movies) .. and I always move on no matter what :)

Monday, November 17, 2014

This Happened ...

For some reason, I found myself going down memory lane and in awe of how much God has transformed me. This post is a personal story but I will share it anyways.

In 2012 ( mostly late) and early 2013, I was a good definition of a hot mess. It was like I was living in this black small but deep hole, was very broken and couldn't understand why it was difficult to be, I had lost joy and complete inner peace. I had completely lost myself.

Before this period, I had always had fear in me but I guess it was the best time for it to fully truly manifest. Fear was playing serious mind games and it was telling me things that I started to believe.

It started off as the fear of failure. Growing up, I set dreams and goals for myself and I was very determined to achieve them. Likewise, every semester at university, I would do same. The thing is, I liked to be in control of what might happen to me, I like to take my future in the hands and work hard to achieve my goals. But then, I started to fault at not getting the grades I wanted, I wasn't able to work at particular places I wanted to work, and I realized that I could be a big time failure. You know how people say failure is NOT the end of the world? That sounded like a silly joke to me,  it was the end of the world; there was nothing I couldn't take but failing. Failure to me was not achieving the most realistic goals I had set for myself- that made me feel completely stupid. Failure was failing at anything I put my heart in or believed I could do. Failure was hurting my friends and family. I couldn't stand being a failure- and the fear that I could fail just made things worst.

Remember all the dreams and goals I had growing up, some of them started to sleep because I had lost the confidence that I could pursue them. I didn't want to fail and the challenges I could have faced to pursue them scared me.

Fear started to grow in every area of my life, I was even scared of walking on ice in spring because I would fall and break something. I was scared of driving because I would hit someone (:?).  Even though I desire to see the rest of the world, I was scared of going anywhere because my parents wouldn't support it. I became fear.

I remember a friend of mine talking to me about this, she noticed it and encouraged me to deal with the situation head strong. I cried as I started to open up to her, I hated the whole picture very much but did not know how to get past it. So I started to take active steps;

- I prayed about it, we prayed about it. My friend would pray with me and always encourage me. I remember that she listened to everything I said and held me like it could have been her own battle. This by itself gave me strength, it made me feel like somehow, God was watching out for me and  blessed me with the support and love I received.   I am grateful that she was there. I received my healing.


2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) "For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of Power, Love and Sound Mind"


- I read my bible, I focused on verses that reminded me that fear has no place to stay in my life. I realized that condemnation and fear doesn't come from God. I was/am a christian and that must be true in all aspects of my life. I realized that I had lost peace because I was always afraid. My favorite bible verse for the situation was 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) "For God has not given us the spirit of fear but of Power, Love and Sound Mind".  As simple as this bible verse might seem,  it carried much weight for me.  You know what, I did not have a sound mind. I was assured that fear doesn't come from God.


Jeremiah 29:11 (KJV) "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, not of evil, to give you an expected end..."


- I started to realize that I can relax and not worry about planning everything or that it was a must that the plans would be exact. I noticed one of my major problems was that I was not putting all my trust in God concerning my future - I had to be in control. This period humbled me. I saw that it is okay to plan, but when things are not working my way, I had to trust God about my future. I had to train myself to truly believe that God was working it all out for me. I understood that I would fail at some point but we learn through our failures, we become more prepared and groomed for the next step. Failure as I saw it, isn't failure.

- I involved God intentionally in all aspects of my life, he became my confidant. Before then, I would run to friends or family when I was dealing with something or  I would just keep it to myself- angry, bitter or disappointed about it. But through my transformation, I started to run to God first. I slowly started to trust him more and even in the midst of betrayals and "funny circumstances" I started to experience some sort of calmness.

- Like I was blind before, I slowly started to notice people who brought me down, those who brought negativity, people who were in my life to use me, and people who claimed to love me but could careless. I made a decision to have no close or intimate relationships with them, so, I had to let some people go through my growth - slowly but surely.  My intention was not to cut them off, it was to close any form of closeness, I decided to keep these relationships on the surface and let it stay there. Some didn't notice anyways and it made it even better.

-I practiced doing things on my own. I have always wanted to do lots of things but for fear, I wanted to do them with other people so that no one would laugh at me (lol). One of the first things I did was to register at a gym, if you live in a typical Nigerian home, you know that you will get teased if you are somewhat skinny and try to "work out" or eat "healthy" and I hated it (:$) so, I did none even though I always wanted to. To face my fear, I registered at a gym and then I started to practice clean eating. (BTW practice is the key word here hahaha, I knew almost nothing about clean eating at the time). As simple as this act was, it helped me face my fear and to take a tease with a light heart.

- I decided to travel by myself to somewhere far and somewhat unfamiliar, because it was always something I wanted to do. I want(ed) to see the world and at that time, I had the time to do it. However, when I was making my decision, not a lot of people supported me, my parents didn't want me to either because, to them, I was still their "little girl"  something could happen to me. I get that, but if I didn't explore, I would always regret it. I also knew that it wouldn't be completely their fault it would have been mine. So I went ahead, made plans and I did it. I faced some of my fears on my trip, like fear of water, heights or even being in an unfamiliar place. I had an amazing time!!





The situation of experiencing fear and coming out of it is by far one of the best and eye- opening encounters that has ever happened to me. Like I said, it felt like I was living in a black small but deep hole. But I thank God for bringing me out of it and replacing fear with love, power and a sound mind.

Things I assumed failure actually worked out for my good, and some plans I thought I had? well, they were almost of no good to me in the long-run, I would have been unhappy now.  For some of the other dreams and interests I had, I have started to pursue them again  and I know that IF I "fail" I can only get better.

I won't say I am totally fearless but I have definitely come a very long way. (I am still scared of dogs even though I love them very much (haha), don't worry, I will be working on this)
God has blessed me with calmness and  inner-most peace and this is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.

This is my testimony and I hope it speaks to someone.


Love,
Abi Tobi



5 comments:

  1. Great one Abi very encouraging. If you do not take a step you wouldn't discover. Lol we do not know it all and we've gotta trust in the one who knows and sees all. :)

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  2. @Abby! thanks for visiting :) yes, true! we can't even know everything we have got to completely trust God

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