About Me

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada
I am a lot of things - I am limited edition, not weird :) . A Christ Lover and a fashion lover. I love crime and comedy shows (or movies) .. and I always move on no matter what :)

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Second Chance?

... So there I was waiting, hoping crying and begging that she comes back to me. That she loves me and she forgives me. There I was wishing I could turn the hands of time, praying with all my heart that it is not too late...

I was young and reckless, I loved to live life to the fullest, I still do. But the older I get, the more I feel the need to take a step back. No, I lied. it is now impossible for me. I live in guilt, I am drowned in guilt and one would think with my status and money I would be the happiest person on earth.

.... I fell in love at an early age and yes he loved me.. with all his heart and mind. He cared for me and adored me and this love was real so real I felt complete, and with all of my being I loved him too. But a baby had to ruin it for us. See, I wasn't ready for a child, I was not ready for the responsibilities, I wanted to enjoy my life, accomplish my dreams first. I wanted to be happy (and that's not too much to ask).

My husband promised me the world just so I keep the baby and I did, we did. But when she came, I couldn't bare the pain of watching my life pass by me, neither could I bare the pain of neglecting my child and hating her. I couldn't help blaming her for everything wrong that happened. We were broke, I could not go back to school full-time and I could not go through seeing my love go through soo much stress everyday. I could not. I was weak. I was drained. I was not emotionally capable.

One day, I had had it. This baby never stopped crying, she cried for no reasons and I started to feel like a monster. A monster, how can I blame such an innocent child for everything? How can hatred grow from no where? why was this even happening? but sssshhh! can I hear myself? can I even put my head down for 5 minutes? I was exhausted!

I had begged my husband to give up our baby for adoption but he said no.. really, he said no! even said I should leave if it was too much for me. My baby was now 2. But we had been running from one hospital to another, and I had to drop out of school. things were not getting any better.

So one day. I left. I was becoming crazy! A legibly crazy walking looking scarecrow. I was crazy. I defined crazy. I walked away. Left. I left the one person that means the world to me. not my daughter. my man.

I left. I could not bare the pain. I gathered some of my secret savings and started to build my life again, I went back to school, got a good job and about 3 years into my very first professional job,  I started my own business. See, I started and now I am working for myself, I am my own boss. My business has been here for 10 years and it has grown soo much we are growing.

I have secretly kept myself from my former life. New friends, new city and since my parents passed away at age 13, I have no parent on my neck telling to go back home. I left 17 years ago and I want to see my babies, both of them. I haven't been with any other person, no family, no close friends. I could not, I can not. I can not bring myself to it. Did I mention that I live in guilt?

So, for the past year, I linked up with a private investigator to find my lover and daughter. My man, he is still single and still as handsome as ever. and my daughter oh soo beautiful, she sings at local shows and volunteers to serve the homeless. I have been secretly sending her gifts. Claiming "the Government" sees her hard work and love to reward her.

I am scared. I am in front of their house scared to death. Will they take me back? Does she even know I am alive. Will they receive me? Can I be re-united with my family?

MY HEART DROPS ...........


  1. Ohhh...what a touching story. I hope she gets a second chance. But it can't be easy for those she left behind either. Hmmm....

  2. Hmmm… I can attest that unplanned pregnancies can rip a relationship apart but once u’re in it, there’s every reason to work though it.

  3. Sometimes i kinda wished i could see how the human brain works. nice piece

  4. This sure is touching...unplanned pregnancy sure can ruin it all.

    Well written piece.

  5. yes, unplanned pregnancies can be overwhelming and yes, we need to work it out!

    Thanks guys