About Me

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada
I am a lot of things - I am limited edition, not weird :) . A Christ Lover and a fashion lover. I love crime and comedy shows (or movies) .. and I always move on no matter what :)

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Baggage out?

Last Sunday the preacher talked about leaving our baggage of un-forgiveness and hurt in 2012 and not carrying them into 2013, he literally begged us to let every pain and hurt go.

This got me thinking and you know e get some kain stubborn pain that just won't leave, they stay there, staring in your face, eating with you and walking with you day by day and it is just really difficult to let them go.

Here are two main things I do when I find myself in such a situation:

1) Pray: I pray, I ask God for wisdom and help to kill hate and bitterness in my heart. Because the whole thing puts me in a situation of not caring at all about the said person. I just do NOT want to see them or hear from them and anytime I do, I get soo angry inside. So, I pray.

Prayer has really helped me. I find the pain going day by day and eventually, the whole thing becomes an experience, helping me to be wiser and reminding me those people are humans.

2) Block it out: There are times I can't even pray especially when I can not make up an explanation to why the whole thing happened. maybe good or bad, finding a reason why the other person acted in the certain way keeps me sane and helps me move past it BUT when I can't, then I find it hard to pray.

So I block it out totally, pretend or tell myself it never happened, and move on with my life, with time, I find that I either will forget what made me sooo mad, or the occurrence won't have an effect on me again.

This is only effective when I can avoid the person, when I do not have to see them every week, or month (their pictures and life included- social media). If not, I will always remember. It might also be harmful because it can add to my baggage and make me unconsciously act in certain ways I do not understand.
How do you deal with un-forgiveness? How do you let things go? what works for you and what does not? 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Giving During Christmas

Personally, I did not see the point of wrapping gifts and giving them out in Christmas, I understand/tood why I would make someone feel extra special on their birthdays and why I would give to the needy or be there for people when I am needed but gifts during Christmas? Please what is the fuss about?

My mom gets excited buying gifts and wrapping them for her closest friends and to me, that was just extra expenses. Don't get me wrong, I am not stingy, I just never saw the point. Maybe it's because I went to boarding school and towards the end of every term we were all so broke no one gave any gifts or maybe my classmates/dorm mates did not like me lol.

Anyways, I got to work several days this Christmas period to find boxes of chocolate and gifts and I felt like this -- "aww that's sooo sweet, these people don't even know me that well"
& like this   -- "oh wait! I have to buy gifts too"

So I did.. and boy! It felt soo good sharing (ESPECIALLY DURING THIS SEASON)
I felt awesome seeing the smiles on their faces and them going on about how they loved their gifts.
the joy of making others smile just because!
I think I get it now, it's the reward you get sharing with everyone else in a special season

They taught me some new things:

1) Well, it is most important to share and love every time but more especially in this period. It's the best way to remind people of how much Jesus loves them. There is a God and even science can't explain the good feeling of loving, sharing and giving.

2) It is a time to remind people that we are one in this big world. Whether family or friends, or classmates or co-workers, they are all part of a system and circle in our lives and without them our world would be empty. It is a time to remind people that they are important as humans and they matter. you are important to me, without you, my blog is useless, my love for writing is useless

3) It is a time to be grateful, for life, for provision and to give a hand to those who do not have.

4) It's almost the end of the year, and a time for something new. See, I love spring and it is my favourite time of the year because it is a season when things usually turn around for me. It is almost like my own new year. It is also a time that prepares us for the long awaited summer season. Christmas is just like Spring. It prepares us for the long awaited new year, new hopes, new dreams and new aspirations.


I encourage you to give/share this season because it is key, I wish you all the blessings this season brings

love and kisses**
Abi Tobi


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Second Chance 2


"Lily, get the door"

Lily kept standing still at the door and I went to see what was happening. It is was Darlene. what? I thought it was a dream, 17 years later and I wondered what exactly she wanted or where she had been. First, I was thankful, that she was alive, not gone with the dust, 10 feet below the earth and that she still looked soo beautiful. Darlene was my everything. She looked beautiful, it felt like I was only seeing her for the first time but more. I did not understand the emotions that wound up inside of me. One side was really angry, very mad, I felt anger burning my soul! what on earth made her leave? I NEVER really understood why she left. The other side wanted to hug her for life, I was more than thankful she was alive.

"come in"

I showed Lily pictures of her mother and told her she had gone missing. I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth I could not! Lily found out the truth about 2 years ago when  we were cleaning out the house. The old letter her mom had written was in an old small box where it still remains. I don't understand why I kept it.

"have a seat, would you like some water, tea or coffee?" We served her some old cookies and hot tea (it was really cold out) there was a strong air of awkwardness. Lily sat, not saying a word, would not say a word.

What does she want? Maybe she has cancer and wants to right her wrongs first? maybe she is back for Lily? maybe she is here to use us? Perhaps, she will leave again? or is she here to stay? maybe we could pick up? whom am I kidding? it has been 17 years and I have my daughter and myself to protect.

Darlene was my teenage crush/love and we shared our every dream together and even when it seemed impossible, she was always there with me, there for me. She was innocent and with a huge heart, my baby would never have walked away, I have never really understood why she left.  oh does she want her family back?

To be honest, I wanted answers.

Darlene started tearing up... and boy! this was awkward! was I supposed to be nice? should I just keep it awkward and watch her cry? I chose the latter.

But I have been in guilt for the past 18 years. Yes guilt. Darlene and I got married right after she was done high-school. at the age of 18, I was 20. I still had a lot of single friends whom I often drank and hung out with. Seeing my friends fooling around and being free made me secretly feel like my youth was being taken away.

...... and it all started when I was paired with this girl to work on a school project. She was brunette, with long legs and a killer smile. Her name is Tami. This girl walked and talked with all confidence, she was bold and firm. Like she wanted me to have her. Don't get me wrong my wife is confident, but this kind was different, this girl was not the "good girl" type. She was very spontaneous and fun.

We studied late nights and got closer by the day. It was all innocent at first, my wife knew her and we all hung out from time to time with her boyfriend. Then, she started flirting. She would tell me how I am the only man she would trust with all her mind and how she feels connected to me. She was super nice to me and super smart and Lord knows she smelt sooo good.

So, I took to the stupid man in me, and we both vowed to keep it a secret. She was my part-time girl and we both enjoyed being that. In fact,  I believe that's what drew her closer to me, she was free to see anyone and obviously I, wasn't allowed to, except my wife. This girl, she was fun. This girl was a different kind of different.

After Lily came, we had no peace in the house. It was hell every time and my part-time woman would sometimes give me money to feed my family. It was horrible. I know, babies were not to come for the next 2 years (till I was done school and working) but I was soo guilty I wanted a permanent Darlene in my life.. something that would always represent both of us.

After sometime, I could not handle it anymore and told  Tami off. I was tired and done with being unfaithful. I was done with disrespecting my wife and seeing what she was going through with Lily.  I was done with dishonoring my vows. I was done.

Tami then became a monster. SHE never really cared about my family? really? she was out to completely destroy us. She threatened to reveal everything to Darlene and I begged her with all that was in me not to. BUT it was either that or we keep this nonsense going so I told her to go ahead.

So one night, I planned to tell my wife everything. Lily had a play date with our neighbor's kid and I got home to an empty room and a note...  A note that did not explain much. I do not know if Tami said anything. Was Darlene soo angry and heart broken that she left? I couldn't really tell. my heart was torn.

My heart was crushed......

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Second Chance?

... So there I was waiting, hoping crying and begging that she comes back to me. That she loves me and she forgives me. There I was wishing I could turn the hands of time, praying with all my heart that it is not too late...

I was young and reckless, I loved to live life to the fullest, I still do. But the older I get, the more I feel the need to take a step back. No, I lied. it is now impossible for me. I live in guilt, I am drowned in guilt and one would think with my status and money I would be the happiest person on earth.

.... I fell in love at an early age and yes he loved me.. with all his heart and mind. He cared for me and adored me and this love was real so real I felt complete, and with all of my being I loved him too. But a baby had to ruin it for us. See, I wasn't ready for a child, I was not ready for the responsibilities, I wanted to enjoy my life, accomplish my dreams first. I wanted to be happy (and that's not too much to ask).

My husband promised me the world just so I keep the baby and I did, we did. But when she came, I couldn't bare the pain of watching my life pass by me, neither could I bare the pain of neglecting my child and hating her. I couldn't help blaming her for everything wrong that happened. We were broke, I could not go back to school full-time and I could not go through seeing my love go through soo much stress everyday. I could not. I was weak. I was drained. I was not emotionally capable.

One day, I had had it. This baby never stopped crying, she cried for no reasons and I started to feel like a monster. A monster, how can I blame such an innocent child for everything? How can hatred grow from no where? why was this even happening? but sssshhh! can I hear myself? can I even put my head down for 5 minutes? I was exhausted!

I had begged my husband to give up our baby for adoption but he said no.. really, he said no! even said I should leave if it was too much for me. My baby was now 2. But we had been running from one hospital to another, and I had to drop out of school. things were not getting any better.

So one day. I left. I was becoming crazy! A legibly crazy walking looking scarecrow. I was crazy. I defined crazy. I walked away. Left. I left the one person that means the world to me. not my daughter. my man.

I left. I could not bare the pain. I gathered some of my secret savings and started to build my life again, I went back to school, got a good job and about 3 years into my very first professional job,  I started my own business. See, I started and now I am working for myself, I am my own boss. My business has been here for 10 years and it has grown soo much we are growing.

I have secretly kept myself from my former life. New friends, new city and since my parents passed away at age 13, I have no parent on my neck telling to go back home. I left 17 years ago and I want to see my babies, both of them. I haven't been with any other person, no family, no close friends. I could not, I can not. I can not bring myself to it. Did I mention that I live in guilt?

So, for the past year, I linked up with a private investigator to find my lover and daughter. My man, he is still single and still as handsome as ever. and my daughter oh soo beautiful, she sings at local shows and volunteers to serve the homeless. I have been secretly sending her gifts. Claiming "the Government" sees her hard work and love to reward her.

I am scared. I am in front of their house scared to death. Will they take me back? Does she even know I am alive. Will they receive me? Can I be re-united with my family?

MY HEART DROPS ...........