About Me

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Calgary, Alberta, Canada
I am a lot of things - I am limited edition, not weird :) . A Christ Lover and a fashion lover. I love crime and comedy shows (or movies) .. and I always move on no matter what :)

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Numb

What exactly is that numb feeling that creeps on us? Is it emptiness or some kind of depression or is it a type of mental illness? Dictionary.com defines numbness as “deprivation of physical sensation or the inability to move”.  Oxford dictionary online explains that the state of numbness is the inability to think, feel or respond normally.

There are also articles that relate the feeling of numbness to a type of mental illness.  They explain that emotional numbness can cause a person to feel no hope for the future (livestrong.com). It also explains that it could make one feel disconnected from a situation. So, maybe this feeling could make us feel hopeless or allow us watch life pass by.

So, what is purpose? And how does the continuous feeling of no purpose make us feel? What are the long term effects? Can it cause us to feel numb?  A lot of people talk about finding something to fill the void in our hearts  like love or faith; but what if the void isn’t from family or friends or a lover  or God.  What if the void feeling is from lack of understanding one’s purpose, and the inability to go at it with full-force? What if purpose isn’t showing up?



What happens when days pass, and they become months and you find yourself living a life of routine and feeling nothing (like a robot or bubble head). With every waking day, the pain in your muscles intensify and as the clock tick, you wonder what you are doing here; in this big-big world.

This situation may be a little difficult to explain because you do not feel sad or bitter or negative. You don’t feel like you receive no love or have none. You are able to receive love, give it and enjoy the love you share with people.  BUT there is still that sick feeling in your stomach because by the seconds, you feel like a waste of space. What exactly am I doing here?

Again, what is the purpose? Does it get miraculously revealed to us? Or do we go on this journey of trying everything until we find it? How do people find that thing (or those things) that make(s) them feel a little more fulfilled? How do people come to terms with what they are created for?  Does one have to go on a long break from the regular everyday life to press a reset button or to step back in order to figure it out? Should we look internally for balance?  Should we accept or assume that there is no such thing as fulfillment and maybe perhaps, we will get used to that? Maybe purpose actually never shows up? How exactly do you know? How can we chase the emptiness away?


This search for purpose seems to be taking too long.  There have been nights and days of prayers, accepting the situation, headaches and swollen eyes because I don’t understand how I can just be here and feel nothing. I do not know how to be just “there”. I honestly hope to be more than that. Also, I have always known what is next, I have always had a plan after a plan but for the first time in my life I am not sure of what direction to take or what I would love so passionately. It is a confusing and strange place. But I am not one to give up and will keep searching.  I see an end to this episode and believe that soon, I will be in a better and clearer space in my head and I will know.

However, I am tired of feeling so numb and tired of being so tired about it!!! Maybe I should listen more to my heart instead of my head.  Maybe it will be the best and “stupidest” decision I will ever make.

Friday, September 30, 2016

oh! WOW! How did your hair get so long?

"YOU CHANGED YOUR HAIR AGAIN?" Every single Afro- Caribbean female understands the awkwardness of answering this question. " Yes, I did" you reply with an awkward smile. I was talking to a friend on Monday, and she asked me if people at work ask questions about the hair change; so, that question inspired me to write about the questions  and experience that we get and hopefully, educate other people.

It is also weird when the same set of people ask you the same question every month or two months. "wow! your hair is soo long today, how did it grow so fast?" It is most annoying because the first 2 times they asked, you explained that you change your hair frequently, and you wear extensions too.  But no!! same questions again! And in my mind, I literally roll my eyes behind my head, on other days when I am not so patient, I give a reflex dirty look that makes them keep quiet. 

What is it about Afro- Caribbean females and our glorious and miraculous hair change? and why is it so common with us? It is a cultural thing. It is that simple and it isn't strange or weird, neither is it because we hate our Afros and want other people's kind of hair. We  just get bored, and love to spice things up.  We have been wearing our braids since we were 4, and our mothers adored us in any kind of hair they did for us. So we might decide to rock our fros' today, locs tomorrow, a weave next week, or a wig in 2 weeks. Today we feel like the short bangs but  tomorrow, we want our hair flowing like the rivers through our backs. It is just the way it is. Many of us want to spice things up, we love to, and we do.

Before 2015, I was a bit shy about going out in my natural hair because I was terrified about the many questions that people might ask, or the kind of unwanted attention it might bring. So, I would always make my hair based on trying not to be too sharp about the change. (why did I care so much?)

I Strategized.  Sooo, let us say I had a long weave of 16 inches and wanted to go short - 6 inches. I will go get a 12 inches or 14 inches so that the change won't be so obvious and so they don't ask too many questions.



But again, why did I care so much?  In May 2015, I decided to leave my hair out to work and I am glad I did. To answer my friend's question, of cos people ask questions. Some people do because they truly want to know and I don't mind explaining. If you know me, you know I can talk about hair ALL DAY LONG lol. But some people are ignorant, they will ask you a million times and make you feel like you are fake and all that interesting stuff. Some people will stare at you like a specimen ( maybe not at work) and some will make ignorant statements.

In 2013, I left my hair out (it was semi-natural) and  I did a scarf like style and while I was trying to rock it in confidence, I remember a co-worker said I looked like Aunt-Jemima on the syrup container. LOL! seriously? I think I had a long term daze from what she said, and obviously didn't like it but kept giving an awkward smile. That statement made me go wear extensions ASAP. Aside from her ignorance, why did I let her statement get to me that much?

Some people will even come tell you what they prefer on you and what they think you should wear. rme. lol. I think only a few people can tell you what they prefer without you asking -your spouse or partner, children, and sometimes, your hair stylist.

Do I have to tame my hair or make it look more consistent to make other people feel comfortable? How does my hair affect what I do and how well I will still kick ass doing it?

I remember working at a place where I wasn't allowed to wear braids. I only wore weaves. They mentioned that hair should be clean and all that - soooo rude! It was from management at the top and my braids wasn't part of their image and they had this rule in their corporate binder.  I didn't complain much though but quit after 2 months for some other reasons including this. I should have done more than quit.

After sometime, I decided that I didn't care anymore. I stopped caring what anyone in the whole wide world thinks about my hair and what they think I should wear. I stopped caring that people will ask questions. In fact, I have auto answers to certain questions. "how long did it take, did it take long?"      "ya! I hear black hair doesn't get as long" ( lol! do not get me started on that )  " you changed your hair AGAIN??!". loool. Thank you audience, for taking your time to notice my gorgeous crown. If I can, I will answer your questions. If I can't, I will smile in appreciation or give you a look at the lack of it. I just stopped caring because I wanted to DO ME!

So you may see me in my short natural shrunken hair today, braids tomorrow or a long flowing weave next week, and it will still be me, and in all, I will look beautiful in them all.

I will be putting up videos about hair stories, experiences, what I have learned/ learn and what I do with hair. I am excited about this because it is something I have had on my mind for about a year or two and I am glad it will be coming to reality.

WATCH OUT! :)

Remember that Every Hair-Type is Beautiful No Matter How You Wear It.

Love,
Abi Tobi


Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Guilty















I think I look guilty. I am not sure but that’s what they say
They say I am naturally guilty,
Like atrocity is embedded in my genes

Everyone else walks these streets free
But can I? The question is: am I allowed to?
Why am I being followed?
What exactly is my crime?
Is this a crime of my existence?

Like every other day,
I wake up and I am hopeful for a new day
I am loved, much loved by my friends and family
I love fishing, playing football and having big family picnics in summer
I love to have a good time, and thank God I do.

Maybe I dropped out of school, maybe not.
But like every other day, I am hopeful for the future.

Today, I was being followed again. 
Today though, I wanted to be careful
I didn't want to be part of statistics.
No surprise, I was talked to like I just committed murder
I tried to ask what my crime was
But I am on the floor
Begging for mercy; pleading to be let go
I tried to scream but my voice starts to faint

I am weak. I try to scream for help
Tried to reach my energy, I am hopeful
My voice is faint. I tried to speak
But my energy is vanishing
Today isn’t my lucky day
A sound is going through my chest
I can’t reach air.

What exactly was my crime,
that I deserved to be killed on the spot?
What exactly was my crime,
that I did not deserve to be heard?
Was it the existence of my being?
Why do they always call me guilty?
Was this because of my race?
Did I deserve to die because I was an African- American male?


Yesterday, another innocent African American male, Alton Sterling, was rough-handled and shot by two police officers. There is a video going viral of what happened, I saw it, and the deceased was shot multiple times. The whole thing is heart-breaking. 

This is dedicated to everyone who lost their life due to misuse of power & / police brutality. 

The difference between us and them is location. May Justice be served this time. I really really pray Justice is served this time.